Dr. Marcus N. Tanner

April 1st, 2025

That one truth might just be the biggest relief—and the biggest challenge—for couples raising children. The dream of parenting in perfect harmony often collides with the reality that we are two different people, shaped by different upbringings, traumas, beliefs, and habits. And yet, somehow, we’re expected to co-lead the most high-stakes, emotionally charged journey of our lives—raising tiny humans into emotionally secure, thriving adults.

So, what happens when one parent believes in gentle parenting while the other values structure and discipline? When one wants daily routines and the other goes with the flow? When one stresses academic excellence and the other wants the kids to just be kids?

The answer lies not in “winning” the parenting debate, but in creating shared meaning—a core concept in the Gottman Method—and aligning on what kind of family culture you both want to build.

Your Parenting Differences Aren’t the Problem

Let’s be clear: having different parenting styles is not a problem in itself. In fact, it’s normal—and often healthy. One parent might bring nurturing warmth, the other structured stability. One may lean into emotional coaching while the other focuses on building resilience. These differences, when navigated with respect and curiosity, can create a well-rounded support system for your children.

The problem arises when those differences become battlegrounds. When disagreements go unresolved, escalate into criticism or defensiveness, or silently fester into resentment. Over time, kids pick up on the tension—and not just through your words.

W.E.B. Du Bois said, “Children learn more from what you are than what you teach.” That means they’re watching how you talk to your partner more than they’re listening to your lectures about kindness or cooperation.

So what do they see when you and your partner disagree about parenting?

Do they see two adults modeling respect and collaboration—or distance, sarcasm, and power struggles?

Do they feel safe in the emotional climate of your home—or do they walk on eggshells?

Your relationship is your child’s first classroom.

Shifting the Focus: From Control to Connection

One of the most transformative shifts you can make as parents is moving away from asking, “Who’s right?” and instead asking, “How can we stay connected through this?”

In the Gottman framework, two powerful components of lasting relationships are:

• Making Life Dreams Come True

• Creating Shared Meaning

These are not just lofty, romantic ideas. They’re actionable tools that help couples move past surface-level conflicts to understand the deeper dreams, fears, and values behind their disagreements. And yes—that absolutely applies to parenting.

Here’s how it works:

Instead of getting stuck in a loop about bedtime routines, screen time, or school choices, pause and ask each other:

• What kind of family culture do we want to create?

• What values do we want our children to absorb?

• What do we each hope our kids will say about their childhood one day?

These conversations take you out of the weeds and into vision-building. When you align on the bigger picture—on your why—it becomes easier to compromise on the how.

The Power of Understanding Each Other’s Parenting Roots

Every parent brings a legacy with them—both the treasures and the trauma.

You might have grown up with strict rules and vowed to do things differently. Your partner may have had more freedom but craved structure. These backstories matter. They explain why certain things feel non-negotiable to one person and optional to another.

Start by asking:

• What was discipline like in your family growing up?

• What did you love about your childhood? What hurt?

• How do you think your upbringing shapes your parenting today?

These conversations build empathy. Suddenly, it’s not just “you’re being too harsh” or “you’re too lenient”—it’s “I understand why this matters so much to you.”

Conflict Isn’t the Enemy—Disconnection Is

It’s okay to disagree in front of your kids—so long as you do it with respect and a commitment to repair. In fact, seeing their parents handle conflict constructively teaches children emotional regulation, problem-solving, and communication skills.

The key is to stay connected during and after the disagreement. Here are a few ways to do that:

• Use gentle start-ups. Instead of “You never help with bedtime,” try “I feel overwhelmed during bedtime and would love to feel like we’re a team.”

• Listen to understand, not to fix or win. Sometimes your partner needs empathy more than a solution.

• Make time for repair. After an argument, return to the conversation and say, “I want to understand what you were trying to express earlier. Can we try again?”

• Check in regularly. Weekly or monthly “parenting check-ins” can help you assess what’s working, what needs adjusting, and how you’re both feeling.

Building a Shared Parenting Vision

Creating shared meaning doesn’t mean you’ll always agree—but it does mean you’re moving in the same direction.

Try this simple exercise:

Set aside 30–60 minutes. Each partner answers the following on their own, then come together to discuss.

1. What values do I want our family to be known for?

2. What are 3 traditions or rituals I’d like to create or maintain?

3. What’s one thing from my childhood I want to repeat? One I want to avoid?

4. How do I want our home to feel for our kids?

5. What does “success” in parenting look like to me?

Then ask:

• Where do our visions align?

• Where do they differ—and why?

• What small changes can we make to bring our visions to life?

When You Hit a Wall: Don’t Be Afraid to Get Support

Some parenting differences are manageable. Others feel like they’re pulling you in opposite directions. If you find yourselves stuck in patterns that feel unsolvable or emotionally unsafe, it’s okay to ask for help. Whether through couples therapy, parenting coaching, or workshops grounded in research-based frameworks like Gottman’s, support is available.

And remember—healing and growth are not just about solving problems. They’re about becoming the kind of family you dreamed of.

Keep the Focus on Connection

At the end of the day, parenting is less about getting it all “right” and more about creating a home where love, safety, and connection are the foundation. When you and your partner stay emotionally connected—even when you disagree—you create a stable base for your children to thrive.

If you take nothing else from this week, let it be this:

Parenting styles don’t need to match—but how you handle your differences determines the emotional climate at home.

So breathe. You don’t have to be perfectly aligned to be a strong parenting team. You just have to stay connected, stay curious, and keep building your shared vision—one conversation at a time.